If you’re reading this chances are you’re probably a consumer of blogs and/or a devotee of online news and commentary. I guess I am too: there are about three or four blogs to check every day; another six or so that I check weekly. I tweet and happily follows links shared by those I follow, and my mornings usually start with a glance a guardian.co.uk. The latter inspired this new poem. I don’t get involved on comment threads or message boards. It just strikes me as the most unsatisfactory way to have a debate. Some people have so much time on their hands, it’s impossible to muster the resources to argue against. Generally the situations fall into two categories: people who will never see eye to eye and just offend each other more and more as they go on; and people who already agree and are just showing off by niggling over unimportant fine print. Every time I allow my eyes to wander below the last line of an article on guardian.co.uk I regret it with every fibre of my being. It breeds misanthropy in seconds. You would have thought that The Guardian would attract a better sort of dickhead. And maybe it does, maybe that’s just the problem. At least the people on YouTube are so illiterate they can’t harp on for too long. Anyway, here’s the poem, in all its self-aware glory:
This Title Was Removed By The Moderator
Come, drink your own vomit; put glass in your gob;
publicly label Mike Tyson a nob;
invite Gordon Brown to look after your pension;
ask Amis to speak at an Islam convention;
entrust Schopenhauer with reading your palm;
or boldly play footsie with Monsieur Strauss-Kahn.
Why, go to work naked; have sex with a dog,
but never read the comments on the Guardian’s blog.
The self righteous liberals, the loners, the trolls
their arguments ridden with moth-eaten holes;
conspiracy theorists and unstable spammers
with no thought for evidence, reason, or grammar!
Just what do they hope to accomplish by telling
the world their opinions with sub-teenage spelling?
By all means eat cardboard, go jogging in clogs
but never read the comments on the Guardian’s blog.
Do they really believe that Jon Ronson gets sad
when an antsy post grad says his writing’s “just bad”?
Or that Brooker will chuck his life’s work in the bin
‘cause know-it-all bloggers are jealous of him?
They claim it’s debate but it isn’t debate
it’s just egos with MacBooks who stay up too late.
So why not breed tape worms, give Thatcher a snog?
But never read the comments on the guardians blog
They’ll send you insane with inane IMOs
ineptly expressed in their grandiose prose.
Just typing and typing their trivial chatter!
Shut up! Go to sleep! Your opinions don’t matter!
Such moribund piffle and nobody needs it,
yet something inside me compels me to read it.
These dilettante critics are stealing my time
but I’ll say this for them, at least they don’t rhyme.
Awesome Luke!!
Bloomin’ marvelous….
From their crass and pointless contributions, the previous two commenters clearly haven’t “got it.” Maybe not their fault, though — not too much to get, frankly. Subliterate so-called “poetry” informed by nothing but prejudice. So, “Luke Wright” (if indeed that is your “real” name), you don’t think the Guardian should allow public commenting? I suppose you’d rather we were all ruled by a military junta and not allowed to even speak. People like you make me physically sick and who’s going to clean up that sick? Immigrants working for below minimum wage, I suppose. Well, Mr. Poet (if that’s what you call yourself), you can keep your racism to yourself in future. Luke Wright? Luke White, more like. You’re worse than Hitler — at least he had the decency not to use the internet.
hello Joel.
poetryt’s well gay (IMHO) anyway, and ppls who reed guardians & posh rags like the mail on sunday, so you can fcuk ov in a karavan with all those big gypsys on the telly . lamfao!
yes but do you reddit?
Look buddy its you’re country and if you dont like it why dont you just leave.
If people didn’t comment, how would opinions be formed? With the number of immature writers and pesudo opinion makers out there, its a good thing the readers have the liberty to share their views and enlighten other maybe not-so-discerning readers. Just because some commntors abuse the system, the system doesn’t become bad!
Nice.
A sort of updated “You’ll never see a nipple in the Daily Express”. Good job!