News

Apps

Need new ways to mess around?
A novel way to waste a pound?
Keen to make a farting sound?
There’s probably an app for that

Do you forget to do your bins?
Or set the DVD for Skins?
Up the duff? Expecting twins?
There’s probably an app for that

Bad with faces? Crap at sex?
Like Shakespeare plays in tiny text?
Has father lost his reading specs?
There’s probably an app for that

There’s definitely an app for that
You can get that app for free
And there’s one that finds his fishing hat
But that one’s sixty pee

Want to use the latest gear
To drain a pixellated beer?
Then watch the pixels reappear
There’s probably an app for that

Want a button – not to press?
A total waste of time? Well, yes
of course it is, but nevertheless
There’s probably an app for that

Dodgy motor? Leaky tap?
Want to pop some bubble wrap?
Want an app to find an app?
There’s probably an app for that

There’s definitely an app for that
Says boorish bloke with bony wife
Who spits his jargon like it’s scat
until you’re reaching for a knife

do you have scant regard for life
and boast about your phone all night
and pray your host is too polite?
To say you’re talking crap.

Because if you’re a techno drone
who reaches for his mobile phone
when the conversation’s not his own
you’ll need more than an app.